The bare truth about croissants

Croissants in Port Leucate Sunday Market

Did you know that croissants are made not just with butter but also with margarine and wait....lard? Yes, pig's lard. Oh horror! The person who invented this wondrous light and flaky creation has been turning in her ( of course, it is a woman!) grave ever since the Spanish, to name just one, got their hands on the recipe and mistreated it. Grrrrrr. In this post, I will show you the 3 main aberrations that go under the name of 'croissant' and how you, as a self respecting Croissant Cognoscenti (CC), can discern the true croissant from the non faithful.

Being a gourmand ( a fancy French word which just means that I am obsessed with food), how can one resist croissants for breakfast? Every day would be abuse but tis a guilty pleasure on weekends when these go, oh, so well with freshly ground Colombian coffee ( ooh la la indeed) and general waking up. Therefore, in my quest for the perfect croissant, I have travelled the length and breadth not just of Barcelona but of many, many places. Alas and alack, imitations abound but the discerning CC will always find her/his perfect bakery and the nearer to home, the better.

So, have a hasty bite or two of something sustaining and do sit down in a quiet and comfortable place for, the following info on the 3 worst sinners is not for the fainthearted! 

Number 3: The bun pretending to be a croissant or the Bunsant: 

This baked item is often found in airports. It is normally made with margarine but for what it costs you, it could have been made of liquid gold. The texture is dry and it leaves a funny, plasticky coating in your mouth which you try to desperately ignore, along with the desire to direct very foul language at the establishment that is playing with your evident jet-lag. To add to the insult, it can come accompanied by some very foul coffee but at this point, you are so tired that you bow your head and accept this fodder. Community service recommended for those found selling this.

Number 2: The almost butter or the Half Half: 

This item is generally found in industrial bakeries and bars. It looks kinda right - tis flaky, it doesn't run away when you prod it but when you, the discerning CC, bite into it, warning bells ring and a rather impolite word or two comes to mind. For what do we have here but sneakiness basking itself as a croissant when in reality, tis made with half margarine and butter but named and costing the same as a real croissant! Oh my, the evil of some bakers! I firmly recommend a 5 year prison sentence for those found practising such aberrant baking practises!

And now, for the worst. The one that beats all in evil, of intention, of taste, of look...I recommend the death sentence for anyone found not just making but touting this...this thing! Are you ready?

Number 1: The ones made of lard or the Crab croissant, also known as the WTF for short:

These, Ladies and Gentlemen, and especially if you are a practitioner of a religion forbidding the consumption of pig, are pure evil for not only do they not have an atom of butter but they also have a sticky, sweet coating/ glaze to which your hair will most definitely stick as you barf this out after the first horrible dry bite. And like a terrible rosé giving you indigestion, this thing will leave an oily coating in your mouth for the rest of the day that no amount of coffee will remove. The worst is that they abound everywhere in Spain though, their very particular crab shape will betray them instantly so watch out! 

To tranquillise you, here is a photo of a particularly good croissant brekky I had: 

Feeling better?

Or this?